It’s the season of gratitude and joy. Unfortunately, this traditionally happy time of the year can make the suffering of sexual assault survivors more pronounced as they watch the world move on in festivities and happiness while they are still experiencing grief, pain, and emotional numbness from the assault.
Here are five ways you can support sexual assault survivors through the holiday season and beyond.
1. Protect the survivor from the perpetrator.
Studies show that eight out of 10 rapes involve someone the survivor knows. They also reveal that 93 percent of juvenile victims know the perpetrator and that 59 percent of perpetrators are acquaintances, while 34 percent are family members.
Sadly, this means that if you know a survivor, there’s a high likelihood you also know the perpetrator. If you choose to stay in contact with the perpetrator, prioritize the survivor’s safety. Don’t invite the survivor and perpetrator to the same holiday celebration. Sexual assault is complex, and it is OK to struggle. Get help for yourself and stand firmly between the survivor and the perpetrator.
2. Let go of the ideal.
Sexual assault is far from ideal, so let go of unrealistic expectations. Meet the survivor where they are. Don’t analyze how they handled the assault or expect them to revert to their pre-assault self just because it’s the holiday season.
Instead, step into reality with the survivor and support them in whatever phase of healing they are in. Invite them to holiday gatherings (without the perpetrator). Show them love and empathy. Allow them to sit quietly if that is what they need to do. Small acts of love and support toward survivors who are struggling post-assault go a long way during this time of the year.
3. Don’t minimize the survivor’s pain.
It is normal to want the survivor to be happy post-assault, but healing takes time. Every survivor will go on the healing journey at their own pace. The festivities of the holiday season might make you want to push the survivor to jump ahead in their healing process, but remember that there is no timeframe for healing and it’s not right to expect the survivor to push through their pain to make others comfortable.
4. Talk about it.
Avoiding the topic of sexual assault increases awkwardness around it. It is healthy and OK to directly ask the survivor how they are doing regarding the assault. Find a way to do so without others overhearing, but ask the question in a calm, kind, straightforward manner. Make sure you let them know you don’t expect them to provide an answer unless they feel up to it or feel it will be helpful for them to share. Survivors of sexual assault are accustomed to people being squeamish about sex crimes, so your willingness to address it openly will demonstrate to the survivor that you care about them and are a safe space for support.
If the survivor does open up to you and gives you an update on how they are doing, follow up. Take a moment the next day to text or call them and let them know you appreciate their trust and that you will keep the conversation between the two of you. (The only exception is if this is new information to you, and the victim is a minor — in that case, you should report the crime to law enforcement immediately.)
5. Believe the survivor.
Give the survivor the gift of belief. They are the expert on their experience, so allow their truth to stand and stand in it with them. Credible studies show only 2 to 8 percent of sexual crime reports are false, a statistic that is identical to false reports of other felonies. Believing survivors empowers them and saves their precious energy. Stand in their truth with them, especially if a legal case is pending. If the survivor is an adult and has not yet reported, your belief and support lend validity to their feelings and could empower them to report the crime to law enforcement at some point.
The struggle faced by many friends and family members of sexual assault survivors is that they cannot give up the truth they want for the truth that is real. Be willing to reshape your worldview with the truth that is real, even if it is painful, even if it means coming to terms with the fact that someone you know or love committed a crime.
6. Never underestimate the power of your response.
Your healthy, helpful response to sexual assault or rape is more powerful than you know. Many survivors of sex crimes wrongly blame themselves for what was done to them. Or, they experience severe numbness and shutdown; they struggle to have healthy feelings in the aftermath of assault. Many survivors learn how to have a healthy emotional reaction to the assault by watching healthy people in their lives model it for them. Never underestimate the power of your healthy response to sexual trauma.
Rise Above Violence wishes you a happy and safe holiday season. Our free and confidential 24-hour hotline can be reached every day of the year by dialing (970) 264-9075. Please reach out if you need support.
