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Stay healthy — don’t speak English

Increased medical costs and the growth of so-called “lifestyle diseases” have jacked public interest in wellness and in how to live a healthy lifestyle.

There is so much out there that you cannot help but be constantly reminded (and irritated). If you read enough studies, you are bound to find some conflicting outcomes. The temptation is to just make a satire and laugh at the whole business.

The following is a hilarious spoof of a hypothetical, healthy lifestyle conversation with a Chinese doctor about wellness. Remember: laughter is good medicine. Also remember: think critically through everything you hear; all of it may not be true.

Question: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is that true?

Answer: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it …. don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart no make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Question: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

Answer: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (leafy green vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100 percent of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Question: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

Answer: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that means they take water out of fruity bits so you can get even more goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Question: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

Answer: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Question: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

Answer: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: no pain … good!

Question: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

Answer: You no listening! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How can getting more vegetable be bad for you?

Question: Will situps help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

Answer: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing situp if you want bigger stomach.

Question: Is chocolate bad for me?

Answer: Are you crazy? Hel-lo-o! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around.

Question: Is swimming good for your figure?

Answer: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Question: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

Answer: Hey! “Round” a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have about food and diets.

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Kids’ Fishing Derby

The Pagosa Lakes annual Kids Fishing Derby is scheduled for Saturday, June 16, at Lake Forest.

The Kids Fishing Derby is open to the general public, kids 16 and under. The event is free, begins at 9 a.m. and runs until noon.

At noon, we plan to have a prize awards ceremony followed by a hot dog lunch; every kid will receive a prize.

The lakes are all fully stocked with plenty of rainbow trout, and we anticipate a great day of fishing.

If you have any questions, or for more information,call the PLPOA administration office, 731-5635, Ext. 4.

The derby will be held at the north end of the lake at the boat ramp area, which is accessible from Lake Forest Circle just past the second Beaver Circle intersection.

Please bring a fishing pole and plenty of sunscreen, it should be a fun morning on the lake.

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